Sometimes I look at my children and I can totally and completely understand what is happening inside their brains. I get them. It’s like they are little versions of me as a child, yet slightly different and much improved. Their choices in food, music, television and movies often sync perfectly with mine. The way they approach problems and their interpretations of the world also line up neatly with my own. They are perfect little humans.
Then there are other times where I look at my children and I don’t get them. At all. In those moments, I look at their handsome faces, devilish eyes and playful grins and think that surely I gave birth to aliens. How on Earth can they be so vastly different than me? So unhuman at times??
Clearly, the only answer is that I am raising aliens.
If your son approaches the following topics the same way as my boys do, then it’s safe to say that you may also be raising aliens:
It’s snowing outside, why is it so terrible that I require my children wear pants to school? “Mom!? No one else wears pants!” “Can’t I just wear shorts and long socks instead?” Yeah. That’s a great look.
Why is it so hard to pee IN the toilet? This is not a problem to which I can relate. (Although I have been in enough public women’s restrooms to know that clearly it IS an issue for some women.)
Mornings would be so much easier if my children would put their shoes where they belong each night. But, for some reason, they prefer the very fun game of “I can’t find my shoes!” every morning where we pull open drawers, look under beds and couches, and rummage through closets to find shoes as we rush to make it out the door on time. Apparently it’s super fun for them to see me lose my mind each morning.
You know what you won’t find when you open my closets? Shoes. (see above) You know what else you won’t find? Boy’s coats. They despise wearing them. They would prefer that I wash their 3 Under Armour sweatshirts daily so they can wear those as coats. I got tired of hearing “Mom!? Why can’t I just wear 4 layers of shirts and sweatshirts?” So, I gave up on coats.
Good God. Why can’t my children smell themselves? I’ve lost count of how many times I have walked by my children and had to stop, lean closer, sniff them and then banish them to another shower. “Did you use deodorant this morning?” I always ask. “Oh. No. I forgot. Oops.” Every. Damn. Day. How they have friends is beyond me. Perhaps they all smell like dirty feet.
If a ball makes its way inside my house, my boys seem to be programmed by their mother ship to throw the ball inside the house as much as possible and as close as possible to all things breakable. Lamps. Chandeliers. Mirrors. Anything delicate and expensive will be in the direct path of the ball.
I think the Alien Code of Conduct states that all plastic water bottles must be left 1/3 filled to maximize the ability of said bottles to be flipped and capped, bonus points for dabbing after capping it. If you have 15 almost empty water bottles scattered throughout your house or you find yourself shouting “Stop with the bottles!!!” then you probably live with aliens.
Someday I will conduct and publish a study about how the IQ of pre-adolescent and adolescent boys drops significantly whenever they are in groups. The more boys there are in the group, the lower the group’s IQ. Each time they get together, I find myself saying something along the lines of “Remember all those crazy things you got in trouble for last time? Don’t do those again this time” and then I try to look at the environment and see what crazy decisions they can make this time. Inevitably I forget something…
So, what’s the best way to approach the difficult task of raising aliens?
1. Don’t try to see the world through their eyes.
You’ll hurt yourself.
2. Pick your battles.
You need to conserve your energy when it comes to aliens.
3. Learn to speak their language.
Yes, this may mean that you need to learn how to flip bottles and do Fortnite dances.
4. Utilize their communication systems.
You may need to become proficient in things like Musicly and Snapchat so you can monitor their interactions and make sure your alien is not being a jerky alien.
5. Stockpile deodorant.
You never know when your little alien might need some extra deodorant so it’s a good idea to keep a few spares around.
6. Invest in a good washing machine.
You’ll need it to keep up with the alien stench that arises when they forget the aforementioned deodorant.
7. Hold on tight.
Love your little alien fiercely and take advantage of all the moments you have with them. Snuggle them when they let you. Hold their hand when they let you. Lay in their stinky alien bed at night before they drift off to sleep and talk about their day with them. Time moves faster when you are raising an alien — hold onto it before it slips away.